This page last updated 1998-04-08. This paragraph added 1999-02-26.
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Some evidence that the gene pool may need a little chlorine. Enjoy -- Mark Haller
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, ``Strip down, face toward me.''
Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?
A customer at a sub shop ordered ``a small soda.'' The owner responded, ``I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large.'' (Both cost 99 cents.)
The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, ``Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then.''
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, ``Really? Where is Monosyllabia?''
Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, ``Oh, you mean over by Croatia?''
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP ``Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees.''
``Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.''
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
``I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?''
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for ``minimal lettuce.'' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, ``She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember.''
So someone else (okay, it was me) said, ``That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?'' My co-worker thought about that, and then said, ``Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years.''
Sent: Tuesday, July 15, 1997 9:59 AM Subject: FW: .....
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ``Do you need some help?'' I asked. She replied, ``I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?''
``Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?'' I asked. ``No, just this remote `thingy,' '' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ``Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries... it's a long walk.''
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, ``Look, I'm not stupid or anything, just what state is it in?''
I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in ``Twister.'' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.