Idiot's Delight

Some evidence that the gene pool may need a little chlorine. Enjoy -- Mark Haller

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Warning!

At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, ``Strip down, face toward me.''

Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?

A customer at a sub shop ordered ``a small soda.'' The owner responded, ``I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large.'' (Both cost 99 cents.)

The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, ``Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then.''

Idiots and Geography:

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, ``Really? Where is Monosyllabia?''

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, ``Oh, you mean over by Croatia?''

Advice for Idiots:

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP ``Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees.''

``Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.''

Idiots in the Neighborhood

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

Idiots and Computers:

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

``I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?''

Idiots Are Easy To Please

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Idiots In Food Services

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for ``minimal lettuce.'' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Idiots Do Math:

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, ``She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember.''

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, ``That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?'' My co-worker thought about that, and then said, ``Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years.''

Real Stories of the Non-Technically Inclined

Sent: 	Tuesday, July 15, 1997 9:59 AM
Subject: 	FW: .....

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

1st Person:: ``Do you know anything about this fax-machine?''
2nd Person:: ``A little. What's wrong?''
1st Person:: ``Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.''
2nd Person:: ``How did you load the sheet?''
1st Person:: ``It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.''

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ``Do you need some help?'' I asked. She replied, ``I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?''

``Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?'' I asked. ``No, just this remote `thingy,' '' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ``Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries... it's a long walk.''

Tech Support:: ``What does the screen say now.''
Person:: ``It says, `Hit ENTER when ready'.''
Tech Support:: ``Well?''
Person:: ``How do I know when it's ready?''

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, ``Look, I'm not stupid or anything, just what state is it in?''

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ``I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'' ``Just use copier machine paper,'' she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything ``bad'' would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, ``never mind'' and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named ``i386.'' He started to type it and paused, asking me, ``Where's the key for that line thing?'' I asked what he was talking about, and he said, ``You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark.'' I replied, ``You mean the letter ``i''?'' and he said, ``Yeah, that's it!''

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first.

I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in ``Twister.'' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, ``Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?''

I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, ``This movie has been altered to fit your television screen.'' Comment from person: ``How do they know what size screen I have?''